Sometimes I get really really angry for no reason. It’s a mixture of anger and depression and self hate. I’m not good enough. There are other people better than me so why even bother trying. I feel angry at the person who makes me feel inferior. It’s his fault. He makes me feel like I’m worthless. It’s an amalgamation of all of my emotions suddenly spiraling in different directions ripping me apart.
But no it’s not his fault at all. That’s not something he can control, and it’s all just in my head. I hate myself for feeling like this because I don’t want to feel like this, but sometimes I do, and I don’t know how not to.
What am I even angry about and why is it so sudden. It just build up and then there’s a sudden release of pure rage. Rage that I wish would go away but it won’t. Rage that makes me want to fall to my knees crying. I can’t blame anyone but myself for this, so what am I doing being angry at anyone.
And so it comes back to the conclusion I always draw. It’s me. I am the problem. I hate me. I am not good enough. I am the reason I’m angry and unhappy. So how do I fix it?
I’m feeling alright. Replacing the suck with awesome. The essay didn’t end up as badly as I thought it might. I blow things out of proportion and make up problems that don’t and will never exist. Some of them disappeared… At least for now.
I don’t care about this project. I don’t want to do it. The essay is due today and I have nothing. It’s stupid. This school is supposed to be about learning, but what the hell am I gonna learn from this paper? How to properly bullshit an essay last minute? Because that’s exactly what everyone else did.
I want to work on things that will support my future endeavors. I want to learn more about the environment, and how I can build sustainable homes. This is completely related to humanities, but they keep regulating what we are doing. This is supposed to be student driven. But I’m not completely seeing it. I just want to skip to next year.
I haven’t been feeling well these past two days and haven’t had the brain power to give any more fucks. So, I’m not turning it in. Which is a big deal for me because I always turn in my homework, even if it’s bullshit.
That said, I know I’m going to hate myself for the rest of the day. I’m a piece of shit that’s never going to succeed because I can’t even manage to write a stupid essay. I can feel the toxic sludge filling my brain.
Sometimes I get complimented. Someone tells me something positive about myself, and I’m left speechless. I don’t know how to respond, and I doubt the truthfulness of the compliment.
Maybe it’s just pity.
Maybe they think I need it, and made something up.
Maybe they want something from me.
My thoughts are up and down and sometimes It’s not like this. Occasionally I feel good. I feel like I am worthy of that compliment, and it’s not an outright fabrication, but then other times I can’t even—-
Why do I still question these things when I know (well, apparently there is no such thing as knowing…) that it isn’t fake. I had to be an idiot and hurt someone. And I feel horrible about it. The fact that I could hurt unnamed is horrible. I never meant for that to happen, and now I can’t focus on school or anything else. Instead I am wallowing in regret, self hate, and envy. I feel inferior to everyone around me and the fact that anyone would ever, and currently do care about me is beyond my comprehension.
I hope this is the last time I think this way. I’m sorry.
Me (it may be a bit vain, but I suppose in my life I am the main character): I’m 16. Go to one of the weirdest high schools around, and although it has its faults, I love it. I want to reform education (which is a whole conversation on its own), and our food systems.
The rest of the characters (in no particular order, and only first initial for privacy):
L: Probably my closest friend, although we actively ignore our problems as well as each others. We spend a lot of time together, and I don’t exactly know how to describe our friendship. We pretend we are the same person (connected to the borg collective and all), but we’re really quite different.
E: I met her at camp, and we’ve been friends ever since. Connecting through fandoms, and other interests. I don’t get to see her often but when I do it’s always amazing.
K: Also met at camp. One of my closest friends, and one of the few I can think in front of. I admitted my feelings for her quite a while ago but she didn’t feel the same. And now our relationship is starting to become asymmetrical in the opposite direction. She likes me more than I like her. And that hurts, because I couldn’t bare the thought of hurting her.
L: I’ve been friends with her for a while, and I don’t know why. Every time I contemplate our friendship it feels fake. A relationship based on the fact that we see each other often, and not that we have anything else in common.
R: An amazing person. She makes me feel like I have a purpose. I don’t know where I would be without our recent re-connection. I won’t see her for quite a few months. I love talking to her.
C: Brilliant. Restored my faith in my future. That life isn’t just screaming into the void. She’s amazing.
Unnamed: Probably the most influential character on my story. The dynamics of this friendship have been complicated, at least on this end. It started out with an admission, and I thought the friendship after that was a fake. Forced by me, and who’s going to abandon someone in need? I forced it. And I hated myself for it. But that hasn’t been the case for a while. I feel the actual friendship. The random sharing of thoughts and ideas, and content. I love our long conversations because they get me out of my head. They stop me from going completely insane. The ideas going back and forth, like a game of volleyball.
I think I’ve said enough for now…